Friday, March 27, 2009

Why Hollywood Sucks

After the tragedy of X-Men: The Last Stand, pretty much anything else Twentieth Century Fox does to the X-franchise amounts to bird droppings on top of an eight car pileup, but this one still takes the cake.

I'd heard awhile ago that Ryan Reynolds had been cast as Wade Wilson, known to comic readers as Deadpool, in the upcoming Wolverine prequel flick that serves as a de facto X-Men 4. For some reference, this is what the four-color version of the character looks like:

And this is Reynolds from the footage we've seen so far.

Okay, not exactly a one-to-one translation, but this being the movies, you naturally expect a few changes in the transition between media. Not having a huge investment in the character anyway, I pretty much left it at that.

That is, until I visited Wal-Mart yesterday and saw this in the toy aisle:

Apparently the "Wade Wilson" that Reynolds plays is merely a preamble to the "Deadpool" depicted in plastic form above. What chain of causation led Twentieth Century Fox from gun toting masked man to shirtless, scarred...uh, blade-handed guy is anyone's guess. Also, his mouth has been stitched shut, meaning the guy known as "The Merc With the Mouth" has no mouth.

When you think about it, it's a pretty low hurdle to clear when the mere presence of a mouth is 100% more faithful to the character than, y'know, not having a mouth. Amazingly enough, the folks at Fox (I'm looking at you, Tom Rothman) have chosen the latter option, leaving us with neither "Merc" nor "Mouth." Brilliant.


Mr. Boy said...

I too, cast my crooked glances in Tom Rothman's direction.

He may be a great businessman, but he has proven time and time again, that creatively, he's a world class f_ck up.

Let's examine the X-Men movie franchise, shall we?

1. X-Men (the first one). You give us Wolverine and Sabretooth in the same movie, but never once acknowledge their history together. Wolvie may have well been duking it out with Liono from Thundercats.

Halle Berry's weird accent. Sure, she's supposed come from deep within some Kenyan village somewhere - - so why did she sound Jamaican? Add that to her truly uninspired performance (did she look bored or what?) and it all focuses to Mr. Rothman's "hey Halle Berry is a celbrity, we should show her more because that's who people really want to see" percentages bullhunky.

The thing is, they had NOTHING for her to do in the first movie. It was like every 15 minutes - - "hey let's throw Storm into a scene somewhere."

2. X2 Easily the best of the franchise and one of the best superhero movies of all time. It's been well documented that after the success of the first movie, Rothman and Co, loosened the reigns and let Bryan Singer do what he wanted with this one.

Go figure, a talented director and no studio involvement gave us a near perfect X-men movie.

Nightcrawler rocked. The introduction of Iceman and Pyro was pretty sweet. Brian Cox was great as the villainous William Stryker. The scene where Magneto escapes his prison cell was cool as hell. Oh yeah, and Storm's accent disappeared completely.

There was a lot to like with this one. So I guess, in a weird way, we should THANK Tom Rothman for his total non-involvement with the picture.

3. X-Men: The Last Stand. Holy donkey balls. With the mondo-success of X2, Mr. Rothman decided he needed to get his grubby little mitts into what WAS a great franchise and completely castrate any positive feelings I had toward the movie adaptations of my favorite comic book.

It was no secret he and Bryan Singer didn't see eye-to-eye. The details are too many to go into, but in the end, Singer went on to direct the lackluster Superman Returns and Rothman and Fox hired notorious lackey and studio kiss ass, Brett Ratner to man the helm of the X-Movies.

Tom Rothman wanted more mutants. We got more mutants. But where we could have gotten a Gambit, a Quicksilver, a Bishop, a Psylocke, a Longshot, a Cannonball, a Blob, an Omega Red, a Havok (the list goes on) - - what did the Rothman/Ratner one-two punch deliver? A girl who could zip around, some goth-transvestite looking mutant with undefined powers, and a guy who puffed spikes out of his body like a blowfish.

Sure we also got Juggernaut, Beast, Angel, and (hold your applause) Multiple Man - - they recieved half the screen time as the weird made-for-movie muties above.

What the F?

And how can you start an X-Men movie by killing off Cyclops (team leader); then having Professor X shrug his death off like "he had it coming" and handing over leadership of the school to Storm while he went off and got himself obliterated by a loco Jean Grey?

I'll tell you why? Because Tom Rothman felt audiences wanted to see bigger stars and not better characters.

I have nothing against Halle Berry as a person or an actress, but let's face it - - she hasn't had a hit movie in - - well ever. At least no hit movies that SHE is responsible for.

So why did Rothman and Ratner give her all this extra screen time? Why did they allow her to come up with scenes for her character? Since when does a Dark Phoenix movie have nothing to do with Jean and Cyclops and everything to do with Storm, Wolvie, and weird blowfish/tranny mutants no one has ever heard of?

Speaking of Wolvie - - when did he turn into such a sissy? I dare you to watch X3 again, if only to count the number of scenes where Wolverine cries or gets misty-eyed.

Hugh Jackman was friggin' born to play Wolverine. But even HE couldn't save this one.

That's a problem. When you watch an X-Men movie and can't say "well, at least Hugh Jackman was good" - - THAT'S A HUGE PROBLEM!

The lone bright spots of this suckfest were Kelsey Grammar as Beast, and Ellen Page as Kitty Pryde (aka Shadowcat) when she battled Vinnie Jones's ridiculously overdone Juggernaut.

And I like Vinnie Jones too.

That's the thing - - you have such a talented ensemble of actors, a plethora of good X-Men characters at your disposal - - and what do we get? Storm and her stupid spinaroonie moves, Wolverine crying, Rogue choosing to "cure" herself of her powers (teaching us all that if you're different, it's okay to take drugs and change yourself), Magneto's gay ass teen-squad of no-name, nobody mutants - - and, oh yeah - - NO NIGHTCRAWLER, NO PROFESSOR X, NO CYCLOPS! ! ! !

Tom Rothman - - Brett Ratner - - have you ever READ an X-Men comic? For that matter, have you ever told a good story?

Mr. Rothman has since made it known that the fans can kick his ass because he's in it to make money (search the quote on Google or Aint It Cool) and to that I say, wholeheartedly, "Tom Rothman, if I ever see you on the street, I'm gonna rip yer' nuts off and stuff'em down your pompous, talentless, mustache twirling, dumb ass throat."

And to Mr. Ratner - - well I'd probably just slap him on the wrist and say "NO! Bad director! Stop making movies!"

4. Wolverine, aka X-Men Origins, aka X4. It doesn't surprise me that the Rothman machine got to this one. As promising as the footage looks and as much as Hugh Jackman and director Gavin Hood say they fought to have things their way - - it still doesn't change the fact that numbnuts Rothman has proven again that he has no respect for the characters of the beloved X-Men universe.

He's proven he has no clue what it takes to make a good movie.

He's proven he's out to make a buck. And the sad thing is - - in that respect, and that respect alone - - he'll end up winning.

Anonymous said...

I hate Tom Rothman. Dear lord, I hope he doesn't get his grubby mits on the Deadpool movie, which btw Ryan Reynolds said he only wants to do if they stick to the real Deadpool....I'm going to stab someone if Rothman does get to this. >:(

-Hopeful Comic Book Movie fan

4th calling Bird said...

Now adays it seams they have to modifi movies to push a liberal meddage becuase liberal are such nit-wits