Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Co-blah

And here we are yet again, rubbing our foreheads over the live action G.I. Joe flick. Although the PR flacks at Paramount have been pretty good about releasing posed publicity stills of most of the main characters in the ensemble, the one conspicuous absence has been the Big Bad of the Joe "mythology" -- Cobra Commander. Until now, that is. It appears, finally, that our ship has come in.

Now, in case you're going by the '80s toyline/comic/cartoon show and are expecting the movie to serve up something like this:

Or this:

Or perhaps even this:

...Well, prepare to revise expectations downward. Like, way downward. Like, this downward:

What. The. Hell.

Chalk this one up to the infinite wisdom of Joe producer Lorenzo DiBonaventura, who feels the '80s version is a little "much," but apparently thinks the movie's take is the height of subtlety. Click on the pic for an embiggened view (if you must).

Now, rather than work myself into an apoplexy trying to sum up what a friggin' atrocity this thing is, I'll let the folks at Topless Robot do some of the heavy lifting on my behalf:
As per this figure, the live-action G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie version of Cobra Commander is:
  • WEARING A SLEEVELESS TRENCHCOAT.
  • HAS TUBES CONNECTING HIS HEAD AND CHEST, TO EITHER TRANSPORT CHEST JUICE TO HIS SKULL, OR SKULL JUICE TO HIS CHEST.
  • AND HIS HEAD IS A GIANT CRUNCH BERRY.
Yeah, I'd say that about covers it. Oh, and he's played by the kid from Third Rock From the Sun. They forgot that one.

No comments: